The Badger Project/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW Hey are, according to all those teenage comedy films. But when men get together, they're just not comfortable unless they have their pants on. Don't know what it is. Maybe they're ashamed of their legs. A lot of guys won't even wear shorts. But wherever you go all over the world, you'll find men treasure their pants -- except in scotland. But they have a lot of booze there. It's not smart or correct, but it's one of the things that makes us what we are. [ horns honking ] [ jazz music plays ] [ geese honking ] [ ducks quacking ] [ water splashes ] on today's show, winston rothschild's here with some of that sewage humor that we all seem to enjoy so darn much... Bill's got a snake, which he's apparently willing to share... Dougie's gonna show off his floss job... And I'm gonna try to fit into my pants more than one leg at a time. If mother nature ever had a father, this is the father to that mother. Please welcome my father's brother and my mother's brother-in-law -- your friend and my uncle -- red green! [ cheers and applause ] whoo! Thank you very much. Thank you and please welcome every father's nightmare -- my little mother of a nephew -- harold! [ keyboard clacking ] well, we had a real wingding up the lodge last night, and surveying the damage this morning, we must have had a pretty good time. And a lot of the guys had hangovers, but old man sedgwick had a little something extra to contend with. I can't believe he still drinks to excess. He should start acting his age. If old man sedgwick acted his age, he'd be 10 years dead. Anyway, he woke up, and he finds he's got a live badger in his pants. A badger? What do you mean? Like, one of those little, nasty, hairy, furry things with teeth? Yeah, not unlike old man sedgwick himself... ...Except for the teeth part. We figure the badger crawled in there to sleep. Uncle red, badgers sleep in holes in the ground. How did one get in old man sedgwick's bedroom? Old man sedgwick was sleeping in a hole in the ground. When he woke up, he started walking in towards the lodge, and he noticed a lump in his pants that was twitching and wiggling. Almost everybody guessed badger. Now we got to figure out a way to get it out there without startling him. Boy, that must be really frightening for him. Yeah, and the same goes for old man sedgwick. [ grunting ] you know, being isolated up here, I really miss television. I can't wait to see what's happening on "welcome back, kotter." is horshack married yet? I hope so. [ clothesline squeaking ] ♪ oh ♪ ♪ the twins can sleep on the table ♪ uh-huh. ♪ and aunt helen can sleep in the chair ♪ uh-huh. ♪ uncle toby just sucked down my beer ♪ ♪ so he can sleep anywhere ♪ as far as I'm -- ♪ joyce is camped out in the boathouse ♪ ♪ prince has the kitchen floor ♪ uh-huh. ♪ and that brand-new little baby ♪ ♪ is looking kind of dangerous ♪ ♪ so he can sleep in the silverware drawer ♪ ♪ now, my sisters can bunk in with mom ♪ uh-huh. ♪ I'll sleep in an orange crate ♪ oh, sure. ♪ fred and john and bruce and lon ♪ ♪ al and tom and joe and don ♪ ♪ can sleep in the car and asphyxiate ♪ ♪ it's okay to rent a cottage ♪ ♪ in the sunshine down by the lake ♪ ♪ but tellin' all your friends and relatives ♪ ♪ believe me, is a big mistake ♪ [ tires screech, engine revs ] well, you got to know, she's gonna go nuts when you tell her what you did. Absolutely, and I got to take my hat off to you. I don't think you've ever done anything this stupid before. You know, she was scrimping and saving that money for a special occasion. Somehow I don't think the occasion she had in mind was you loaning that money to your buddy so he could go and pay for a new cap and liner for his truck. And you're gonna have to tell her, and you're gonna have to tell her soon. Bank statement comes out every month. Do it. Do it quickly, because it's just not the moment for you to show you're the least bit scared or indecisive. Take her hands, sit her down, look her straight in the eye, and... Lie! Lie. Lie! The biggest fib you can wrap your lips around. Hoo-ee! It's a lie! Yeah. Well, that'll buy you a little bit of time, I guess. Yeah, well, of course, you know, the truth right now would just cloud the issue. You got to lie through your teeth. I would try something like, "close friends of ours, hon -- "I don't want to say their names -- "and they didn't even want me to know, "but I found out about it. "and I just gave them the money, "just the way you would, you know? But they made me promise not to tell you anything about it." that's really good, and it has a sentimental twist, you know? If you say something like that, she's gonna think you are so sensitive. But it'll only buy you time for a little bit of time, so you got to move fast. Time for time, and time to go and tell your buddy, "hey, call that loan back." get him to pay it back quick. That's right. And say you'll never, never, never do anything this stupid or selfish or underhanded again. Unless, of course, you can come up with an even better and bigger lie. [ quacking ] welcome to "handyman corner," where everything old is new again. You know, old man sedgwick's badger problem has given me an idea for an inexpensive animal trap. All right, now, for starters, you're gonna need one of these hoses here, which they use to connect from the dryer to the outside vent. And you're gonna need the outside vent. You're in luck, though. Both of these things are available in most home laundry rooms. I would suggest that you wait a few minutes after the last load and let the whole rig cool down, because these things have a way of building up a certain amount of heat, especially if you're doing, say, a living-room rug or your winter underwear in there on the heavy-duty cycle. All right. Now, the first thing you got to do is you got to cut the hose in half, which actually you can do by biting. [ chomp! ] [ sproing! ] uh, you may find that there's a wire in there. So, uh, I would suggest that to avoid being permanently flossed, you either use somebody else's teeth or maybe some snips of some kind. There we go. All right, now. If you got one of these welcome mats out in front of your house, get that out of there before it does any more damage. And you're gonna roll that up, because that, in fact, is gonna become the cage to hold the trapped animals -- kind of the way welcome mats are used at the homes of life-insurance salesmen. You know, you take your, uh, outside-vent thing here. You want to hook that up to one of the halves of the dryer hose. And the way you can connect those -- it's kind of interesting. They have these little plastic hose snaps. They're unbelievable things. They just slide -- one piece slides into the other. You pull that up right there. And, by golly, that is solid. You just wrap that around the hose. All right? Let's open that up a little bit. [ sighs ] [ grunts ] all right. I'm thinking maybe this is not the best way to, uh, attach the whole unit together, so -- no. I decided to use the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. So there's our trap -- pretty much built. But you can't just have it sitting out in the woods like that. You got to be sneaky, like those guys from the tax department. So I decided to take a page out of old man sedgwick's book, hide the whole trap... Inside a pair of pants. There. In there. There we go. There we go. There we go. Come on, now. Come on, old fella. Let's go. Let's go. And the animals aren't gonna be suspicious, 'cause a pair of pants lying in the woods around possum lodge is a pretty common sight. Here we go. However, they are gonna need some sort of a culinary incentive to come up the pant leg, so I would suggest that you swipe an hors d'oeuvre tray from the next social function your wife drags you over to and pick one of these units up and separate the toothpick from the hors d'oeuvre itself. Then you take the pant leg, as I've done here, and you stick the hors d'oeuvre up inside, and you push the toothpick down through, through the pant leg, through the hose, and into the hors d'oeuvre. You do one of those every few inches, and the animal will work his way all the way up until you get to the danger area, which is the crotch of the pants, 'cause that's where the welcome mat cage is. And you want to use men's pants on this, because if you happen to catch an animal that you don't want, you can just unzip the fly, lift the welcome flap, and let the little guy go, like they did in that movie "free willy." so until next time, happy hunting and remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Excuse me. And speaking of traps, we're like the von trapp family here. Ranger gord's got a badger trap, and bill's gonna make himself a snake trap. I want to talk to you middle-age guys out there. Have you heard any good radio stations lately -- stations that play good driving music? Well, there aren't any. It's all yakety-yak now. News, talk shows, rap music. Doesn't it make you wonder -- what happened to our music? Where'd it go? Where did the music that defined our generation go? Well, I know where it went, and it's good news for a change. Our music is all sitting in the clearance bin down at the local hardware store. You can zip down there right now, pick out five, maybe six tapes for the price of one of them cd things. And it's great music, with words you can hear and understand -- words that tell a story without a video, where women sing songs about men, and men sing songs about women... And surfing and hot rods. Now, I know it's depressing to see the music of your life stacked beside the discount shampoo and the two-for-one light bulbs. But on the bright side, isn't it great when the truly awarding things in life are geared to a pensioner's income? Remember -- I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. [ rattling ] well, that badger is still up old man sedgwick's pant leg. Every time it twitches, the old fella gets tickled something fierce. Can't you get it out? Well, we tried, harold. Do you think we're just standing there laughing at him, not doing anything? Well, you were for the first hour. I know, but then he offered a reward for anybody who can get the badger out of his pants without startling it so that it turns on him. So junior singleton threaded the boat hook up his pant leg there and kind of grabbed on, tried to pull it out, but all he got was old man sedgwick's underwear. Wrecked our best boat hook. Oh! Oh! Uncle red! Oh. I got an idea. I would try to lure it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We did that, harold. Buster hadfield caught a female badger, and he set that up just outside of the left pant leg of old man sedgwick. The two of them started making sounds to each other, and all of a sudden, the female runs right up the right pant leg. Whoo! Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Now he's got, like, two badgers up his pants? Yes, and he isn't glad to see us. Boy, this has got to end somehow. Well, we'll run out of animals eventually. [ squish! ] winston rothschild here of rothschild sewage and septic sucking services, reminding you, if you can't bank on your tank, we'll take it from rank to swank. [ grunts ] we're up here at fire tower 13 with ranger gord, a man who has been looking out over the forest for a long, long time. 16 years on the job, red, and not a single day off -- not one sick day, not one vacation day, and not one thank-you from anyone, anywhere, anytime -- ever. Yeah. All right. Fair enough. Well, then, gord, on behalf of everyone, thank you for watching out over the forest. You're most welcome, red. Well, all right. That's fine. You're very welcome. No, that's fine. That's fine. [ crying ] oh, that's fine. That's fine. That's fine. All right. Okay. Today, in honor of old man sedgwick's pants -- [ laughs ] -- I thought I'd talk about badgers. Now, I've got a badger over here that I trapped last week. I thought you might like to take a look at him. No kidding? Yep. Wow. That's one. Yeah. Come on up, harold. Now, a full-grown badger can grow up to 2 feet long. Oh, it looks like he gave you the slip there, gord, huh? Hello. There he is -- right there. I've named him tiger. I-I don't think that's a badger. Yeah. Don't -- don't worry. He won't hurt you. No, no, I don't think that's a badger at all. Oh! Look at him! Look at him! Look at him trying to escape! Look at him! He's trying! Is that fun or what, huh? Hey, you know, I was thinking of, uh, starting a badger club, letting you guys join, and you could have all your conventions up here, huh? There we go. There we go. There's what a badger looks like. A badger? Oh, yeah. That's a badger right there. Then I must have captured a... A wolverine! Stand back! Get back, harold. Get back! "potholes," by me. "potholes, potholes everywhere, "everywhere I go, "in the ceiling up above and in the floor below. "it seems that I see potholes everywhere I look. My wife sure takes it badly when you tell her she can't cook." [ explosion ] everybody, relax. It's time for "adventures with bill." [ crack ] [ shriek ] what the heck is he doing today? Oh, my gosh. Look at the size of that thing. Oh, boy. Oh, and it's not -- bill, don't hurt it. Don't hurt it. Don't hurt -- bill, don't hurt -- don't hurt it. Don't hurt it. Don't hurt it. Well, maybe he'll get the lawn cut. Oh, I see. All right. This is one of these interesting snake-trap things that, uh... They're not as dangerous as they look. What he does is, he's got the board up against the stool there, and then you got that little piece of eaves trough, and you tie -- now, what happens is, the snake comes up the board, all right? And he goes up, and he goes into the piece of eaves trough, and he crawls along in there. One he gets past the rope, his own weight will tip the eaves trough, and the whole snake and the whole deal will fall down into the garbage can. He can't get out of there, and you got him. Now, the trick is, you got to put some kind of bait in there for the snake -- something to attract -- no snake would go in -- there it is. There's your snake bait. And get him to go in there. Now, to me, this looks like a dozen large eggs. But, then, they can't charge 15 bucks for a dozen large eggs, can they? Make that 11. Make that 10. Meanwhile, we didn't notice this, but, uh, the snake is on his way up, so I just had -- I'll tell you, that snake bait works, doesn't it? We're trying to get one out of there we can put into the pipe. Meanwhile, the snake's getting right up close to the stool there, and, uh, no, no. I think bill's got one. There we go. There we go. Oh. Oh. Oh. And he pushes the rope off, and now we got the -- oh, my. We got the sn-- I got the -- I got the -- I got the snake bait. I almost called it an egg. But bill picked up the snake, thinking it was the rope. And he tries to tie that on there. I don't know what kind of a knot you can use with a snake. I never went that bar in boy scouts, but I do know one thing. I wouldn't mess around -- bill, that's a snake. Bill -- snake. Aaah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. No. Don't want it. Don't want it. Don't want it. Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Where is it? Where'd it go? Where'd it go? Oh, there it is. There it is. The snake. It's gone to a warm, dark place, bill. Wow. Look at that. Some interesting moves for a man his age. Here's something I've always wanted to do. Go for it, red. Stay tuned. Winston's coming up with his big hose... And harold will be here, doing what harold does best. Well, things have gone from bad to worse with the badgers in old man sedgwick's pants. You mean they started to -- h-ha ha ha -- mate? No, harold. Well, that's our fault. You know, when we sent that female up there, we thought the first one was a male. So now what we've got is two female badgers in his pants having a knock-'em-down, drag-'em-out fight, and old man sedgwick is, more or less, caught in the middle. Oh, boy, uncle red, he must be going mental. Wa-a-a! Well, okay, more mental. Well, he's not saying too much, but he is making the most unusual facial expressions I have ever seen. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Uh-ha-ha-ha-ha! And I've seen some hummers, trust me. Anyway, at this point, old man sedgwick is getting pretty upset. Wow. He must really be at the end of his rope. Well, the badgers are at the end of his everything. [ grunting ] here's a new joke I just made up. "knock, knock." "who's there?" "no one." "no one who?" "no one. Just no one -- ever." [ laughs ] [ chainsaw buzzing ] welcome to "the experts" portion of the program. Claiming to be an expert this week, with my uncle red, is mr. Dalton humphrey. Our first letter goes as follows -- it's from, uh, portland, oregon. Ha ha ha. All right. "dear experts, what would be an appropriate gift for my wife on our 25th anniversary?" well, I would recommend an olympic medal for endurance. It would have to be a silver medal. Wa-a-a! Because the 25th-anniversary is silver. Wa-a-a! Gold -- gold is actually 50. And then 60 is a diamond. And 100, I believe, is -- is kryptonite. Yeah, I'd -- I'd -- I'd suggest a toaster. A toaster, mr. Humphrey? You'd celebrate, like, a quarter century of wedding bliss with a toaster? Well, I'm talking a four-slicer. You know, that seems a tad chintzy to me, dalton. You know, I think this gift's got to be right up there with the wedding ring. You did get her a wedding ring, didn't you, mr. Humphrey? No, I couldn't. No, no. Money was tied up in inventory. Yep. The, uh, by-the-way motel closed up, and I bought all their stoves, washers, dryers, and, uh, bar fridges. So I, uh, gave anne-marie a washer. A washing machine is not a very romantic wedding gift. No, no, no, no. A washer from a garden hose. No, no. I-I told her -- I said, "anne-marie, "this is just an imitation rubber, uh, washer. "it's old, and it's cracked, "but, for now, it's our wedding ring, "and someday I'll get you a proper one -- when I'm successful." so, she's still waiting, huh? You know what I mean, though, actually, um... 'cause you are such a success, you know, and -- and the humphrey everything store is doing so well. Oh, yes. Congrats. Yes. Harold, I-I am a man of my word, harold, and on our 20th anniversary, I got anne-marie a brand-new washer. Painted it gold -- everything. And what did she say to that? Well, nothing. No, it kind of surprised me, too. She just burst into tears and ran upstairs. Of course, women cry when they're happy. She doesn't sound too happy to me about this rubber-washer wedding-ring thing. Oh, no, no, she was. The next day, she cleaned out her bank account, bought herself a brand-new car to match it. Then it was your turn to burst into tears. Well, men cry when they're happy, right? Wa-a-a! We're here with entrepreneur winston rothschild to get his business advice for the small businessman. Now, winston, what's the best way to get loyal customers? Oh, honesty, red. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Total honesty and complete sincerity. Really? No! Pbht! [ both laugh ] well, you had me going there. That was a good one. Yeah. No, actually, what you want to do is you want to pick up one of them help-yourself books. It's called "how to have more of everything," by wally himmler, and in there, you'll learn the secret -- the "nietzsche" philosophy. Oh, sure, nietzsche -- the german philosopher. No, no. No, no. "nietzsche." like when you got a particular "nietzsche," and you want to fill it. Oh, no. That's niche marketing. N-niche? Yeah. I thought it was "nietzsche." no. Oh, well. I guess next time I should get the audiotapes. No, what it means is you got to specialize, eh? You got to add extra things to your service -- you know, do things that no one out there is doing, you know? I mean, if running a successful sewage-sucking service was as simple as jumping down some dark, stinky hole with a hose, everybody would be doing it, wouldn't they? Oh, yeah. One giant leap for mankind. Like, for instance, I'm the only one in the area who offers extra services, eh? Like, for instance, did you know that I will remove dead animals from your drainage system free of charge? Wow. Oh, yeah. You wouldn't believe how many customers find that attractive, eh? Golly, now, I'm just thinking here, uh, winston. Have you ever removed a badger from a drainage system -- say, from a pipe the size of a pant leg? Oh, that's nothing. Are you kidding? I once sucked a dead moose out of a chemical toilet. I built my reputation on that one. Sort of sticks in people's minds, you know? I think so. Yeah. I'm wondering if maybe you could take a detour past old man sedgwick's place. I think he might have a little job for you. Oh, no problem. You see, now, that's how I get my jobs, eh? I fill a niche. No, this is more of a nietzsche. Well, we managed to get old man sedgwick safely away from those badgers. He waited until they fell asleep, and he just slipped the pants off. Well, how did he do that without disturbing them? Well, they were in there so long, old man sedgwick lost a lot of weight. He went from skin and bone to just bone. Well, that's excellent, 'cause now the badgers can assimilate themselves back into the woods and join the rest of the animal kingdom. Could take a while, harold. The sight of old man sedgwick with no pants on pretty much cleared the area of wildlife. Well, of course, you know, uncle red, none of this would have happened if you were partying responsibly. [ screeching ] oh, meeting time, uncle red. Yeah, you go ahead. I'll be down in a little while, harold. Okay. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And after what happened to old man sedgwick, I think maybe we should throw out some of my old bell-bottom pants. I got a pair there that a rhino could get into. Hey, there's an idea. We'll give them to your sister. And the rest of you, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, thanks for watching. Keep your stick on the ice. [ screeching ] [ indistinct conversations ] listen up, people. Stand up. All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Red: Sit down. All right, now. As many of you may know, we've been challenged to a field-hockey game. To find out more about possum lodge merchandise, call 1-800-ypossum or check out harold's home page on the internet, www.Redgreen.Com.